Alright, Hollywood, it’s high time for the next batch of raunchy teen movie adaptations. And since we’ve already covered the entire Shakespearean canon, next on the list of hits are the Greek tragedies. Because nothing is more exciting or more relevant to teenagers than plays written over two thousand years ago by a bunch of dead white people.
Oedipus “Eddie” Rex is the hot and horny new kid at school who wants to get laid before graduation. He seduces his classmates by being the star soccer player, absolutely dominating the rival school of THE FAT GAME. At prom, he bangs his sexy teacher after befriending their dark and sexy past (she had a teenage pregnancy; he was involved in a hit-and-run with a driver’s license). apprentice). But wait, hold the phone: her hot teacher is also her… hot MOM. Sick! And at one point he puts on his “Oedipenis” (that’s what his comic-relief best friend Tiresias [probably just “Ty”] calls her shlong) in a dessert. Attention: all the actors of the film Homework be hot.
You know the drill, it’s a last hater to celebrate THE FAT GAME. Huge, hot ensemble cast, including a teen idol musician—really a 30-something playing a teenager—as “Dion.” And there’s one of those killer subplots where a guy dresses up as a girl to flirt with his crush in disguise. Never miss! Many teenagers do drugs, drink alcohol and prank adults who try to stop the party. Additionally, adults are very hotyou know, for adults at least.
Since our Oedipus the adaptation will be such a banger, can you say a sequel? “Andi” is the nerdy, unpopular freshman who is interested in weird stuff like politics. His brothers went to rival schools and died after brutal football injuries during THE FAT GAME, so she wants to shut down the entire football program in protest. It’s like a social justice thing about concussions – super zeitgeisty right now. CORN the sportsmen stop her by asking the captain to make a bet to turn her into a prom queen, even if she wears glasses. Yada yada, she gets kicked out before prom, and he ends up naked at graduation. He hung up on Andi… and well hung. It’s straight out of Tiresias’s mouth. (You bet Ty’s back for an appearance and better than ever, baby!) And don’t worry, when she takes her glasses off, she smokes hot.
Ok, technically not a tragedy, but an epic poem…emphasis on epic. Odysseus “OD” is a stoner who forgot how to get home. The film is a series of shenanigans and encounters as he tries to get home in time for prom after THE FAT GAME. The title is Dude, where is Ithaca? and he’s got it all: no more cross-dressing for a crush (never fails!), an orgy with the mermaids (the school is an a capella band), and a drug dealer named Circe whose molly gets everyone fucked (c is what Ty calls sex). Oh, yeah, you thought we couldn’t do another Ty cameo? Well, you thought wrong, amigo. This one is a little alternative in that OD is unconventional, like how some people get their noses screwed up, but they can still get away with it.
Listen to me: HORN TEENAGER DANCE MOVIE. Medea isn’t much of a dancer, but her football captain boyfriend, Jason, cheated on her with the most popular girl in dance school, so she has to get revenge by killing him… FAT DANCE COMPETETION. She will stop at nothing to win, going so far as to destroy the popular girl’s costume, give the main food poisoning, and set the dance floor on fire. and Jason’s real house while their children are inside. Their children are their shared ninth-grade classmates, and they perish. For real. The chorus is a group of TikTok stars, obviously. Not only is the casting hot, but the choreography too – even hotter than the flames consuming those poor teenagers!
And hey, if those movies aren’t all hits, at the very least, substitute teachers can show them when their lesson plans are blasting. Now it’s longevity, baby!