Column: The Sweet Fox concert could reveal the boring side of Tom Brady

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Know me…

Tom Brady is boring. Like being stuck on hold.

When he’s sober, anyway, when he’s not throwing the avocado tequila and the Lombardi trophy into another boat during the Bucs’ Super Bowl victory parade on the Hillsborough River.

When he’s not messing with PSI in footballs (which, fittingly, is the most vapid and over-the-top offense in NFL history).

On the court, he’s certainly not boring, although there are athletic moments where he can make a redwood look like Lamar Jackson.

But outside? It’s not Don Meredith.

When Tom is done with football, he will become the senior NFL analyst for Fox, who is paying him $375 million over 10 years. Of course, by the time he gets the job, he’ll be my partner on a bowls team.

Is it worth the money? Of course not. But I can’t blame him for doing what he can, not when the talentless Kardashians are making billions. Plus, when Tom was in New England, he always took a cut so the Pats could sign more expensive players.

There are obviously other motives for the Fox bakers, the Murdochs, to knead more yeast into Brady bread. He is going to be the “ambassador” of the network, that’s the face. And he has a famous beautiful face – and a woman who has a famous, more beautiful face.

His value will come from working the company, meeting sponsors, using his name to tweak Fox’s NFL badge, which will end up making more money from the suits.

But from the cabin? No. On the one hand, there is a guarantee that it is going to be good. Will he be too nice? Will he be too nice, à la Cris Collinsworth? Will he take hits – especially on players he knows – when warranted? How will it be during an eruption, the hardest duty?

Maybe he’ll be fine. I can’t know until he does. If he fails, he won’t be the first big player to have tonsillitis, and the Murdochs won’t be out of work by any means.

Even if it stinks, so what? People – especially players, and there are millions of them – don’t watch games to hear the announcers. Votes have nothing to do with losing bets.

I never hear anyone say, “Hey, Ralph, Buck and Aikman are tonight.”

All the top analysts are making good money now, not Brady green, but a good life. It started when CBS handed out $16 million per person, or whatever, to Tony Romo.

But Tony was different, with his bold and often correct pre-game call, which he doesn’t do as much anymore (although I lost some respect for him during his severe Homerite affliction when defeating the Cowboys in the playoffs against the 49ers).

John Madden had the lure, to some degree. I believe the only NFL broadcaster who drew in droves of viewers – including those who didn’t like football – was Howard Cosell, who transcended every sport he participated in. You never knew what he might say, and he made every event he covered look bigger than it was.

I don’t see Brady having that effect. But if you’re in the bank and you hear laughter, it’s Tom. …

Meanwhile, the Bucs QB coach Clyde Christensen is “ecstatic” the return of Brady. Lazy trainers. Clyde probably thinks Tom works less than Blaine Gabbert. …

Jarrett Stidham, once hailed as Brady’s successor in New England, was sent by FedEx to Vegas. Not, unsurprisingly, Tampa. …

Mayor of Dallas Eric Johnson really believes his city could handle another NFL team. Did he go to Dallas? Does he know jerry jones? …

Stink O’ The Week Sezment: strength of the NFL preseason schedule. Useless. Know when SOS counts? Around game 8 or 9. …

Magnanimous of the Padres to sign Robinson Cano, who I recently learned is my great-uncle. …

Jurickson Profar, who had to give up shortstop because he couldn’t throw, has the strongest and most accurate left arm in Padres history. …

The two greatest home runs called in history: Baby Ruth‘s, and that of Jorge Alfaro‘s Mom – Mother’s Day, no less. But he has to beat (.226) more than his weight (230). …

Of the 2 million podcasts in the world, the last one I would listen to is Joe West‘s. …

TO TEAR, Fred Ward. A wonderful actor born in San Diego. …

TO TEAR, Bob Lanier. Perhaps the most elegant among the giants of the Great Era. …

But basketball is a little man’s game now, isn’t it? So why were the three NBA MVP finalists winners Nikola Jokic, Joel Embid and the real MVP Greek Freak – all greats? …

The Grizzlies had a 55-point lead over the Warriors in Game 5. In the playoffs. There are times when the NBA can embarrass Donald T.Sterling, which can not be bothered. …

Nike may not renew its shoe contract with Kyrie Irving, who called his signature sneaker “trash.” If you don’t play, how can you know? …

A piece of the asteroid that would have killed the dinosaurs has been found. Scientists named it James. …

Embid says James Harden is not the player he was in Houston. So? Neither Earl Campbell. …

But, James. Two second-half shots in Miami loss? Again, the always appropriate Smokey Gaines-ism: “Two more than one dead.” …

Apparently, the Gulls coach Joel Bouchard did not dodge properly. You have to be a bitch to coach minor hockey. …

I didn’t watch the NFL schedule post because the edge of my seat is broken. …

If the NFL ruled the world… what am I saying? It’s already the case. …

Saudi Tour Peddler Greg Normanon the murder and dismemberment of the Washington Post journalist jamal khashoggi: “We all make mistakes.” Greg, scientists now believe great white sharks are smart, so lose the nickname. …

Phil Mickelson will avoid defending his PGA Championship. Phil, I completely understand. But it’s time to get into the dance and face the musicians. …

The United States ranks 31st among countries in math literacy. I guess North Korea, which recently announced its “first COVID case,” fell to 32nd. …

Larry Lucchino and Ted Leitner will enter the Padres’ Hall of Fame. “It was time” does not say enough. …

If I’m at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter asks me to name 10 things I don’t believe in, one of them will be, “That Leitner willingly quit the play-by-play job of the Padres.” …

No chance – zero, zilch, nada – Petco is built without the relentless pursuit of Lucchino. John Moores had practically given up. Too Smart Larry, the anti-Fredo, saved baseball here. …

NASA wants to send nude illustrations of earthlings into space, just to make sure aliens don’t want anything to do with us. …

So now it’s formula milk? Seriously? And then toilet paper? As Leitner would say, we take down the porcelain fixture. …

lost in Rich StrikeDerby’s upset victory at the Dark Star was jockey Sonny Leonis a wonderful ride. The best I’ve seen on the big day since Shoemaker Billwas aboard Ferdinand in 1986. …

Why did Rich Strike win? As John Nettles would say, “He was faster than the other horses. …

Comic-Con patrons must wear masks. It’s a shame. But don’t you wear them the most, anyway? …

“There is no war on homelessness. You know why ? There is no money in this problem. – great George Carlin.

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Twitter: @sdutCanepa

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